Do you love going to the comedy shows when you’re on a cruise? I know it’s one of my favorite things to do on a ship. But until cruising starts up again, we’ll have to make do with telling some cruise jokes.
I’ve collected the funniest cruise jokes at sea, so you can crack up your friends and family with some cruise humor. Dad joke alert: some of these are pretty corny! But they’re all clean cruise jokes, and safe for the entire family. Enjoy!
Two bankers were the only survivors when their cruise ship sank. They were both clinging to a single life preserver. One banker, knowing that his colleague couldn’t swim, says, “I think I can make it to shore to get help. Can you float alone?”
The other banker replies, “How can you talk business at a time like this?”
The booze cruise
A cruise ship is headed back from the Caribbean on its last night at sea. Just before dinner time, the captain gets on the loudspeaker.
“This is your captain speaking. I regret to inform you that there was an error with our provisioning. While there are 2000 passengers on board, we only have enough food for 1000 dinners. However, we do have plenty of alcohol, so anyone who is willing to give up their meal will receive free drinks for the rest of the night.”
A few hours later, the captain gets on the loudspeaker again.
“Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize but it appears we’ve run out of booze. On the upside, we still have a thousand delicious meals for you to enjoy!”
A cruise ship passenger is standing on the deck, looking out at the ocean. As the ship passes a small island, he spots a figure on the beach. He can see it’s a very thin man with wild hair, dressed in rags. He watches him wave his arms, jump up and down, and run back and forth along the beach.
The passenger turns to the Captain, who is standing nearby:
“Captain, what’s up with that guy?”
The Captain just shrugs.
“No clue. He’s always this happy when we sail by.”
Two elderly gentlemen are relaxing in the sun on a cruise ship. One turns to the other and asks, “Have you read Marx?”
“Oh, yes.” the other replies, “I believe it’s from sitting on these deck chairs”.
A magician worked on a cruise ship. There was a new set of passengers each week, so the magician performed the same tricks over and over again. The captain’s pet parrot came to all the magic shows and began to understand how each of the magic tricks worked.
Once the parrot understood, he began to shout during the show, “Look, he’s hiding the rabbit under the table!” or “Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?”
Every week, the parrot ruined the show. The magician was exasperated but couldn’t do anything. After all, it was the captain’s parrot.
One night, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. The magician found himself stranded on the iceberg…along with the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but neither uttered a word. This went on for days. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot couldn’t hold back any longer. “OK, I give up.” he said, “What did you do with the ship?”
The party pooper
Why couldn’t the cruisers play cards?
Because the Captain was standing on the deck.
Rolex below deck
A rich guy takes a cruise to a tropical island, and decides to sunbathe on the beach. Wanting an even tan, he took his luxury watch off and slipped it in his pocket.
Back on board at the end of the day, he realized that his watch was gone – it must have fallen out of his pocket. Too embarrassed to admit he’d lost such an expensive item, he decided not to tell anyone.
A moment later, the Captain’s voice came on the loudspeaker. “Ladies and gentlemen, this is an announcement to the passenger who lost the Rolex Pearlmaster on the beach……The time is now 6:54 PM.”
A bunch of fraternity brothers go on a cruise for Spring Break. Halfway through their vacation the ship wrecks, and the young men escape on a lifeboat. They floated on the ocean for a couple of days, but no one came to rescue them. On the third day, one of the men noticed a bottle floating near the lifeboat.
“Whoa, what if there’s a genie in that bottle?” he asked. He reached into the water, picked up the bottle, and rubbed it.
With a loud whoosh, a huge genie appeared. “I am a powerful genie, but I can only grant one wish,” the genie shouted.
“That’s a no-brainer!” the frat boy said, “I wish the entire ocean was made of beer!”
The genie granted the wish, and promptly vanished.
“Dude!” groaned one of the other brothers. “Now we have to pee in the boat!”
A very nervous first time cruiser approached the Captain. “Do ships like this sink very often?” he asked.
Replied the captain, “No, not too often. Usually, it’s only once.”
A married man walks into his local pub, where all of his bachelor friends are gathered at the bar. “Hey, Dave!” shouts one of his buddies. “How’d you talk your wife into letting you come out with us?”
“Oh, I’m on my own for the week. She took the kids on a Caribbean cruise.”
“No, she wanted to.”
Which of these cruise jokes is your favorite? Let me know in the comments below!
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- What the Future of Cruising Will Be Like
- Are You a Cruise Expert? Take the Cruise Trivia Quiz!
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